Monday, January 3, 2011

Emotional

Happy New Year!! Hope everyone had a great one, we sure did. Today (well basically this past week/longer) I have been feeling emotional.  You know typical pregnancy emotions that are coming out hard core this last half of pregnancy.  I think what I have been feeling is completely normal, but I just need to write about it to get it all out.

First of all I want to start by saying that I am beyond excited to meet little miss bundle.  I went shopping for the first time for her this past weekend, and it really made it more real.  I can't wait to snuggle her, see her little face, and take in all those sweet newborn moments.  I can't wait to lay with her on my chest and nap, and just take in every moment of her being my itty bitty.  However, at the same time I am scared.  Normal right?  I am scared to have 2 children.  I know I will be fine, and that I have it in my power to take care of them.  However, I am scared because I am afraid I will not be able to give them both the attention they deserve.  In regards to bundle I am afraid that I will miss her sweet moments.  I am afraid that I will be to busy to notice her little gas smiles, and her little grunts.  I am afraid that I will miss her holding onto my finger because I will be to busy running around chasing her big bro.  I am afraid that she will spend extremely to much time in a swing or bouncy because I have things that I have to do at that moment for Caleb.  Some of these things I did not even realize that I was worried about until I started writing.  I mean I have already neglected her pregnancy on the blog. I feel as though I have not had time to focus on her at all.  Poor girl.  My prayer is that she will know she is loved beyond words.  However, I know that her newborn stage will be so different than Caleb's.  With Caleb I had nothing else to do other than hold, stare, and take him in.  This will not be the case with bundle, but I pray that I have the opportunity daily to make the time. I pray that I do not miss her infancy because it goes so fast. 

This plays a lot into our decision for the birth experience this time around.  With Caleb I seriously was like the more the merrier. I had 5 people in the birth room, and it was so exciting to watch all of their reactions when he was born.  However, I felt as though it was chaos right after he was born.  I was passing my baby around immediately, and though it did not bother me at the time, I definitely want something different with Mckinlee.  I think it is because I realize that this will seriously be one of the only times it will ever be just me, her and hubby.  I plan to still have my sister in the room to take pics (because I have to have pictures), and then after she is born I am going to have my sis step out, and hubby and I are going to take that time with our baby.  I don't know exactly how long, but I know that I want to take her in completely.  I want to be able to sit there and watch her faces, allow her to look at us, have some skin to skin, and just love on my baby.  After this I want Caleb to come in, and I want to take time as a family.  I want to be able to really watch his reaction and allow him to take it all in without chaos.  After that the more the merrier because I know everyone will be dying to get their hands on little mam. 

I also think I am going to limit visiting hours while in the hospital.  With Caleb we seriously had people in the room from 8 am-8 pm.  I think this may have had a factor on why I never could get him the latch.  I never had the chance.  I was having to pump under covers to hide my tatas, and I never had a moment to sleep.  I know that sleep will be something that we will NEED this time around, and I truly want to just lay with her naked on my chest to promote latching this time around.  I think I will do visiting between 10-1 and 4-8.  I hope everyone understands that it is nothing personal. 

Another emotional thing is the first week home.  My main concern with this is Caleb.  We are going to rock his little world already bringing baby sister home.  I mean my goodness my little man thinks baby sister is his belly, and I am sure it is going to confuse him totally to understand that she is an actual baby.  I want the first week to be as normal as possible for him.  I do not want company or visitors.  Nick is taking off work and will be there to help me, and I truly feel as though we need this time as our little family.  We need time to adjust Caleb. We need time to take Mckinlee in. We need us time.  I hope everyone understands and that there are no hard feelings.  I am always so worried about hurting someone, but honestly at this time this is what I need.  If anyone wants to help they can prepare meals for us that we can have frozen and ready for the first week home.  After the first week we will be more open to visitors and company. 

Caleb is a huge emotion right now.  I actually broke down talking to hubby about this yesterday in Olive Garden.  I mean like crying at the table haha.  I quickly grabbed his hand so everyone around us would not think that he was making a pregnant lady cry, and I wore my sunglasses out of the restaurant! haha.  Anyway, I am so emotional when it comes to my sweet little man.  It is becoming more and more real to me everyday that I only have a few short weeks left with him to be my only little baby.  That is just it, he is still my baby, and I can't bring myself to see him as a big boy.  I think this week has been particularly hard because we moved him to his big boy bed, and he is not sitting at a big boy table to eat.  I have had many moments when I just stare at him in disbelief at how fast he is growing.  I am so afraid that I will not take in these last few weeks the way I need to.  I am afraid that once the baby comes he will lose attention.  He has been very clingy and cuddly lately, and has gotten hard core back into separation anxiety.  Although the cuddles are sweet, it pulls at my heart.  I am afraid that he will see Mckinlee as being in the way, and will be even worse with separation anxiety once she is here.  I am afraid that he will miss it being just us (even though I know he will not remember).  Hubby and I are planning a bunch of fun, cheap activities with him in the next month.  We want to take in every minute with our little man before bundle arrives.  This seriously makes me cry every time I think about it. 

A lot of this factors into work.  I am worried that I am sharing the short time I have with Caleb with another baby already.  I am afraid that I will miss things because of this. Like wise I am afraid that once Mckinlee arrives I will miss even more of her infancy because I will be to busy trying to care for another baby who is not my child.  I don't really think this is fair for any of the babies involved.  Hubby and I have been discussing what to do about this and I will keep you posted. 

I am also emotional about labor.  You know just the normal scared feelings.  I am afraid something will happen to me.  I want to be there so bad to raise my children, and labor is just so unknown. I am also afraid something will happen to Mckinlee I really try not to read horror stories because they just upset me, but the ones I have read are in the back of my mind, and if you know me then you know I am a worry wart.
Pease pray for me that I just have peace about this and a healthy delivery. 

I know this post is a bunch of word vomit, and if you made it this far thank you so much for reading. Thank you for allowing me to be real.  Comments on this post would be great if you have gone through the same thing or had some of the same emotions.  Please just pray for my emotions. I am in no way depressed or upset about being pregnant. I know I am beyond blessed to be welcoming this new little life into the world, and I am so in love already.  It is just a very emotional and real experience this time around. 
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5 comments:

Amanda Money said...

I loved this post. I'm so sorry that you are in so much turmoil about this but I understand. I have a son who is 18 months old and we are starting to think about having another one. All these things ran through my head as well, but seeing that you also are worried lets me know that it's normal and that everything will be ok! I spent a year pumping for Jackson because he wouldn't latch on. I lost lots of sleep and spent lots of time under a nursing cover. I am so hoping to get our next one to latch on.
Praying for you!

Lyr said...

Those pregnancy hormones can be such a downer! I'm sorry... I know all to well how that it. I felt the same way about bringing Ian into the world. I thought and cried how much life would change for Jayden. It's hard.... but you can do it. :)

NancyRG said...

You have our full and total support. Just tell us where and when you need us! We love you!

The Lutz Family said...

I hear ya girl!!! I have all the same fears, but am still so excited. I keep wondering how in the world I am going to do it. I am so excited we are pregnant, but am not willing the "pregnancy" part away either like last time... even if I do hate being pregnant and am exhausted... I know I'll only be more exhausted down the road.

I just keep reminding myself that most families have more then one kid.... so it must not be the most impossible thing in the world right?

Best of luck... and keep blogging about it... makes me feel better knowing someone else feels the same way too!!!

Elizabeth Taylor said...

I had some of the very same thoughts. Owen has done great being a big brother. He loves his little brother and I don't think he even realized how much his life changed. I read all those horror stories too- you really need to think positive- my labor & healing was so easy this time around, and even breast feeding was easier. I had latch issues with Owen, and it took a lot of work to get through it- and I then nursed for 6 months. This time around there were no latch issues- and it all just seemed so much easier. Keep your head up and think positively and it will all be good. :)