Worry is like a rocking chair; it will give you something to do,but it will not get you anywhere".
I will be the first to admit that I am a huge worrier. I mean huge. Trust me when I say that I can take any situation and figure out a reason or a way to worry about something that MIGHT go wrong. My worry problem has magnified by 1000 since I had my children. There is something about the love that a mother has for her child that can cause her mind to never rest again. I mean this world is a scary place, and so many bad things happen daily. Horrible events occur, and I cringe in prayer BEGGING God to never allow it to happen to my family.
I am also a worrier who likes to read blogs. While I was pregnant with Caleb I came across one to many blogs about babies who had been diagnosed with cancer. I followed their stories, mourned with their families from my computer screen when Jesus called them home, and began to worry about my unborn child. Let me just tell you that the what ifs really started to take effect on me. They were causing me so much anxiety that I literally would take Caleb to the doctor for every sniffle because I did not know if it was a sign of cancer.
I have since forced myself to steer clear of such reads. If I happen to see a prayer request with a link to the families blog, I simply pray for the family, but I do not allow myself to read into the story any further. However, today I accidentally stumbled upon a story of a family who lost their sweet baby to cancer today. I did not allow myself to read further into the story, but the fear welled up again as I looked at the pictures of this sweet baby. The pictures always get me. The pictures of the happy mama and dada playing in the snow with their baby. Their healthy looking baby. I think the fact that people that are undiagnosed with cancer look so normal is one thing that really freaks me out. They look so normal, so healthy, and happy, however, their is a silent killer taking over their bodies. Yes, those "before the diagnoses" pictures get me every time.....
I have just finished a bible study called Calm My Anxious Heart, and it is amazing. It has taught me so much about God's love, and how little I actually trust in him. Today, as the worry starts to consume my mind again I have been reflecting on this book.
"My life has been full of terrible misfortunes...most of which NEVER happened".
"Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrows, it empties today of its strengths"
"Worry says I don't trust God, I don't believe in His ability to handle my child, my marriage,my health".
"We are to entrust our tomorrows to him and live just for TODAY".
"He is in the tomorrows. It is tomorrow that fills a man with dread, God is already there. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass Him before they can get to us".
"What is your worst what if? Can I trust God with my worst What If? Would God still be God, would he still be Sovereign? Would He still be love and goodness?"
"I ask God to give me the strength to live today, just today, to leave the fears and worries of tomorrow with Him".
(Calm my Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow)
This Bible study has rocked my heart. I literally ache in pain for the mothers who have lost children too young, and I fear for my children as well. God has spoken so much to me through mothers who have gone through tragedy. They still worship, they still breathe, they see that God is working good through their children's stories, and they know that this was part of his plan for their life. They were meant to love a child, loose that child, share the child's story, and be a witness to the Lord through it. They were meant to be the only God some people see in this world, and many have come to know God through them. I always wonder if I could be a that strong. I always wonder if I could praise God that high in the storm. I know that God would hold me every step of the way, and that he would be the only one that could help me learn to live again. However, I fear that plan. I fear that God would ever allow the death of one of my children to be part of our story. With that being said though I am slowly learning to step back, give God control of my tomorrows and realize that he would still be a loving, compassionate, amazing God even if my worst What If were to ever come true.
I have taken the time to love a little harder on my babies today. I have taken the time to snuggle when they cry despite my schedule, because I am so thankful for each day that I get to spend with them here on Earth.
Please keep Paxtin's parents in your prayers as they deal with the reality of life without their sweet baby girl.